Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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