Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
