Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
