I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
