my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
