is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
