In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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