i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
