I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
