when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
