i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
