the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
