Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
