Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
