it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
