In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
