I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
