just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
