My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
