It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
