I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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