I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
