What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
