I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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