Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
