The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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