I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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