Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
