Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
