I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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