So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
