Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
