I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
