just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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