Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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