Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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