I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
