it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
