He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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