Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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