I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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