walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
