he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
