I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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