he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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