We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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