Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
