and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
