I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
