the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
