I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
